other parents
I have a REALLY hard time not worrying about what other parents might think of me, especially because I'm still a new parent to our 7 year old Serafina and I just haven't had the opportunity yet to develop comfort with or confidence in what seems like my built in parenting style. I look at myself and see the fully-realized product of my own parents and I shudder and resolve to do better but holy moly I'm both amazed and disgusted with myself all the time!!
I worry about how it all looks to other parents, even my own partner. I have to work really hard to remember that I'm a smart, sensitive, good person and then I resolve to slow down a little more and set aside the feelings of inadequacy and ill-equippedness which during most acts of parenting surely canNOT be helpful. I have to really try not to listen to the voices in my head, which I tend to create for other parents until I'm alone and the time is right to examine what seems to be other people speaking but really it turns out to be my tricksy brain using other folks as imaginary mouthpieces for my fear and insecurity.
This is a time of real insecurity for me, obviously. Assigning words to other folks is something I fall into during times of stress and distress. It's hard not to allow relationships to break down when I do this to folks, since it's without their consent, confirmation or knowledge that I put sometimes horrible words in their mouths!! This is something I have to really work on; allow myself to get this exercise in self-abuse out of my system while remembering that I must ultimately attribute all of that abuse or negative energy to MYSELF. It would be very easy to backslide and simply believe that "intuition" is helping me decide what other parents think of me, but holy fuck, that's unfair to everyone. And I do know what I'M really thinking. I'm really thinking, I'm scared. That's all. I can leave it there if I want to.
In any event, I decided during one of these alone times that I would only listen to my partner in terms of parenting style and parenting decisions. She's the only other parent in my life who isn't just a voice in my head, when it's all said and done. No one else in their right mind would ever comment on my parenting style or parenting decisions if they knew me well, and if they didn't know me well and said something, look out!!
While I have my fears which I can readily admit to, you'd better be confident you know the whole story, have a handle on most of the back story, and also be confident with subtext.
And after all, my partner's voice is the only voice besides my own (and our children's I suppose) that matters at all in terms of parenting OUR children. I can ask for and take advice, welcome or reject criticism, but ultimately, it's me and my partner doing this.
posted by ferocious sonja @ 1:34 PM
5 Comments:
I totally get this. Different strokes for different folks! Man! I'd like to sit down with and your partner and talk parenting philosophies or sumthin.
Hope to see more of you.
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I always thought you seemed pretty natural with Serafina. You were in control, you were the alpha, you were kind and stern when you needed to be. I've never questioned your skills, but actually admired them and try to emulate that balance with H. It's difficult and I think all parents doubt themselves. I felt like the worst mother on the planet when I heard H had his first time out at day care. I felt like a failure. I cringe and get super upset with myself when H hits other kids. I know he doesn't do it all the time and that kids will do stuff like that but I feel like I'm not in control and that I need to be.
Take a deep breath. You are awesome. You have become part of a situation that you have adjusted to beautifully and have made work. Andrea is there to help you, we are all here for support. You will be the most amazing mother - you are the most amazing mother.
I love you!
I am not an expert in parenting. But I do like being a Dad and a Grampa. I am sure you will do well with your babies. And they will always be babies in our minds.
I remember when we were kids, all the adults in the community could give the kids guidance. Usually what was getting heck from other adults for doing stuff. Nowadays only the parents give the heck. If some other adult tries to talk to your kids, it's taboo. We want to fight them :D I don't know if it was better before or not. Just different. I think all sorts of advice is okay. It's what we make of it that matters. If we don't like the advice, no biggie. Ignore it.
Hi Sonja: I happened onto your blog, and I feel your pain about parenting. My kids are grown now, and if I could go back, I would spend less time worrying about what anyone else thinks. DO the best you can, and realize that you will never be a perfect parent. I was laughing at my cool, hip, niece the other day, when her twelve year old stormed out of the room and said, "I can't wait till I'm 18 and can move out of this place. It is normal at times that your kids will not like you, but if they respect you, that is most important. There are no perfect parents, you will make mistakes, but don't look back, just move on. Your kids will turn out fine, and all the people that seem to be perfect parents, are no more perfect that you are. And most important, never dwell on guilt for mistakes you have made. your kids will learn to use that against you. Love them, dont' worry about not giving them everything they want, or making them happy. Kids don't like boundaries, but that is what gives them stability. Draw the line they can cross further back than what you would allow, and when they step over it, they will still be in bounds. Don't sweat the small stuff. Best of luck. Sounds like they have a great mom. If you would like you can visit my blog at ThePrickofThePen.blogspot.com I'm going to try and figure how to subscribe to yours.
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