update

My skin has become some kind of monster in the space of half a year. Like, "Revenge of The Eczema", after 3 years in remission. I've taken prednisone three times in the past three months and am feeling hopeless about the situation. My chinese doctor has seemingly given up on me. That hurts. Reading Susun Weed these days has directed me to daily burdock root infusions, in addition to the nettle and red raspberry leaf I've been drinking for the past month or two.

The rash bit is becoming disabling. Last week I sat through a somewhat lighthearted meeting with people I love and all I could think about was doom. Makes me feel isolated, like The Doors song, "People Are Strange". This is not the me I've been for the past three years. It's the me I used to be and I want to run, run, run!!

I need to examine my past and who I was and who I am now a little more, obviously. Maybe work on reconciling the parts of me, integrate the me of anti-2004 and post-2004, get things a little more unified in my brain. I guess we have to revisit things now and again, take a proper accounting, spiritually, physically, intellectually... Not a very attractive undertaking at this juncture. And how shall I go about this? Past Life Hypnotherapy? Reiki?

All I really know right now is, I'm tired of having a raw body. I scratch blood now. The blood's right there, under a thin, fragile membrane.

The dermatologist I went to see figures I'm being poisoned by off-gassing from the brand new materials which comprise the brand new housing co-op I've been living in for the past half-year.

I thought I was doing something right by moving into a cooperative housing arrangement, running for the board of directors, taking some control of the way the place where I live is run, but the building is actually filling me with toxins, by all appearances.

It would be a pretty good place to live if I didn't have sensitivities, but this is not worth it. This month is pretty much the last gasp here; if things are not improved by the end of December, we're looking to move.

"We". Yes, "we". We're going to move. My family is now officially: Andrea, Xtina and me. We have extensions of ourselves: Andrea's sisters, her mother, my own parents, my friends, her friends, our friends...it's kind of a fucking wonderful life right now. My plans are gigantic, so extremely amazingly huge. I'm doing stuff in regards to family that I've been trying to do for the past seven years or so. I guess this is another reason I need to reconcile the anti-04 with the post-04. Reconcile the Sonja whose already-small family dissipated into thin air that year leaving three sad refugees, with the Sonja who has two wonderful people at home with her plus a whole network of healthy, supportive individuals who say "I love you" first, who return my calls, ask if I need help, accept my help with trust, don't try and avoid conversations with me, don't wish they were somewhere else, ask how I am, tell me they miss me, offer to commit more wholeheartedly... It's a fucking shocker, let me tell you, and I fucking deserve it.

Tomorrow I go for an interview in regards to my dream job. I suppose it might be called a long shot, but I do well at those. I've really bore down this past year to earn this and we'll see. If not, it's a lesson and I am already grateful for it. I know what I want to do now, for the most part, and if I'm not meant to do it right now for a living, at least I know how to go about getting there. I'm already doing things to get there. I'm busy with an online course and expect to earn a certificate in non-profit management within a year or two. From there, who knows what I'm capable of?

This isn't even half of it, but I'm too busy to continue. Until the next time, take care yo.