izzat, karma, what-have-you

It's natural that people who were once close, who saw each other through heavy shit for years, every day, off and on and whatnot, will drift apart once the circumstances of their lives change significantly.

We all move on, we become "different people", we still love each other but there's just no time, or they're there and I'm still here, or whatever.

It happens. I know this. I accept this as natural and good.

I do wonder though, what it is I did, what, in a past life, in this lifetime, at a time and place I don't remember in any event, I could have conveyed to an old friend when I find they only contact me when they need to hook anOTHER of their friends up with something I've got or can do or whatever.

An old friend of mine only calls me on behalf of other people. This hurts.

I don't know what to do besides stop being available for such nonsense. Networking is one thing, but I feel like that behaviour is just plain old mean, at best, totally crass.

And yet, is this caused by some past-life behaviour? Is my karma trying to teach me something?

Is this what growing up is like, or did I just fall in love with the wrong friend a decade ago and now I'm reaping a whole field of "Could you hook my friend up?"

I know compassion can really help me in this regard and I make my gestures with as generous a spirit as possible, but when I've done what I can to assist this friend of a friend, I just don't know how to keep myself healthy and be open-hearted to what I consider insulting, use-and-abuse behaviour, without hurting myself.

I know my mother would say "fuck 'em", but I'm tired of estrangement and I'm tired of being sensitive too, but the reality is that I come from a family of estrangement and my sensitivity is what makes me a fantastic person. If I wasn't as sensitive as I am, and the reality is I'm not that sensitive when we're talking plainly, I'd probably be a real asshole.

Oh well. The next time it happens, I'll probably just lose my cool, give this person a royal telling-off and not hear from them for five years or more, for any reason.

lists

I wanna wake early on weekdays in order to:

- exercise
- review and revise my goals (for the day/week/month/year/half-decade and so on)
- visualize a good day or meditate on something that is irking me
- write a to do list
- write a nice note to a nice person
- eat nutritious breakfast
- groom
- floss my teeth
- do prostrations

Leonard Peltier:

Silence, they say, is the voice of complicity.
But silence is impossible.
Silence screams.
Silence is a message,
just as doing nothing is an act.
Let who you are ring out & resonate
in every word & every deed.
Yes, become who you are.
There's no sidestepping your own being
or your own responsibility.
What you do is who you are.
You are your own comeuppance.
You become your own message.
You are the message.
In the Spirit of Crazy Horse

blogs

I've been reading some tremendously good blogs for at least a month or two, now, and wow, there are some real gems of consequence out there. Some choice tidbits:

lefty liberal men proclaim their sexual entitlement to women, while simultaneously patting themselves on the back for being champions of womens and minority rights ~The Womanist

Zucchini and Kimchi Quiche with a Brown Rice Crust
(makes 6+ servings)
Printable Recipe from Closet Cooking

Ingredients:
2 cups cooked brown rice
1/4 cup gruyere (grated)
1 egg
4 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1 cup gruyere (grated)
2 cloves garlic (chopped)
1 cup kimchi (drained and chopped)
1 cup zucchini (grated, squeezed and drained)
2 green onions (chopped)
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
1. Mix the rice, cheese and egg in a bowl.
2. Press the rice mixture into a pie plate.
3. Bake in a preheated 450F oven for 5 minutes.
4. Mix the eggs, milk, gruyere, garlic, kimchi, zucchini, green onions, salt and pepper in a large bowl.
5. Pour the egg mixture into the pie crust.
6. Bake in a preheated 375F oven until golden brown and set in the center, about 30-35 minutes.

It is long past the time for all of us to start to see, to identify, to articulate the pain of systematized brutality. It is time to recognize that much of the pain is the result of a system designed to ensure our pleasures. ~stuffwhitepeopledo

“Women of the earth, take courage. You carry the teaching of a people who look to you for guidance. Be mindful of your walk.” ~The Indigenist

Mission Statement!!!

I am at my best when I'm busy dancing, cooking, eating, drinking, biking, advocating for others, making love, talking about myself, reading, researching, working to dismantle oppression, organizing, reading out loud to people, listening to music.

I will try to prevent times when I'm bored, lonely, tired, hungry, procrastinating, overwhelmed, ignored, dismissed.

I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can research, compose, teach, have meaningful discussions and listen to music.

I will find enjoyment in my personal life through research, cooking, meaningful dialogue, dancing, eating, drinking, listening to music and making love.

I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as organizing, discussing, reading, researching and memorizing.

I can do anything I set my mind to. I will be a lawyer with a gorgeous home in the city with lots of books, music, fantastic furnishings, friends, dinners, parties, wonderful food and a beautiful family. I will also maintain a gorgeous cob home in the country where I will go often to really experience my basic and earthy fundamental values.

My life's journey is dismantling oppression in Canada and the rest of the world as a lawyer who wins giant human rights cases and a writer of wonderful truths about love, bigotry, incest, injustice, heritage, ancestry, repeating histories, traditions and innovations.

I will be a person who my friends, family and colleagues will toast as an amazing woman who insists upon justice and works to improve conditions for everyone. My most important future contribution to others will be Justice and Liberty.

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

* learning how to spend more time alone
* becoming more physically fit
* learning how to cut my hair

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

* brilliant and original ideas about reality - like HST's
* stoicism - like my mother's father's
* balls - like DGK's


I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

* avoid sugar
* yoga
* discipline
* writing

hahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahaha!

How Not To Get A Woman
By Kythryne Aisling

Dear Random Woman Who Called The Office Again Today:

No, I still do not know how you can "get a woman." In fact, I'm beginning to suspect that you're enough of a chauvanistic pig that the only way you'll be able to get a woman is if you pay for one. And even then, your chances are likely pretty slim, because most of the sexworkers I know have a rather finely honed ability to tell when someone will be entirely more trouble than they'll tolerate for $200 an hour.

Here's a little hint for you, since you seem to have somehow managed to dodge the cluestick until now: women are not sex objects, nor are they merchandise. And it's pretty widely known that if you want to get into a woman's pants, you'll have the best luck if you start out by trying to get into her head.

Forgive me if I seem a bit reluctant to divulge the directions to Sappho Avenue, but you see, I've had more than a few encounters with women like you before, and frankly, the queer community isn't going to welcome you with open arms. Or open legs.

You see, there's a reason I'm reluctant to claim the label of bisexual, and it's not the oh-so-politically-correct "bisexual implies that there are only two genders" excuse that I usually offer up when someone asks why I scribble in "queer" on any forms that inquire as to who I'll do. The real reason is that I'm tired of having people hear "bisexual" and immediately translate that into "skanky ho who'll fuck anything that holds still long enough." I may be a slut, but I'm a choosy slut with high standards and a strong sense of ethics.

I'm also tired of being hit on by "bi-curious" women who want to venture into the Big Scary World Of Pussy Licking, but only if it's accompanied by the restriction of (pick one from Column A and one from Column B) My Husband Won't Find Out or Can My Boyfriend Watch? and I Only Like Skinny Femme Women With Long Nails or None Of That Kinky Shit, without stopping to think that perhaps there's a person attached to the genitalia who might not enjoy getting dumped when the aforementioned "bi-curious" woman decides that she really does prefer the cock after all.

Not to mention that I'm very tired of having to explain that yes, I am a bisexual polyamorous woman, but no, I won't fuck you unless you're already my friend, reasonably well acquainted with either latex or the doctors at the STD clinic, and willing to introduce me to your (check all that apply) husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/domestic partner/chewtoy/pimp/significant other not otherwise specified, and even then your chances are pretty damn slim because my dance card is already full and there's a waiting list just for dates and phone calls, thank you very much now go away.

And if you can't connect the dots between those three statements and my reluctance to help you on your quest to Get A Woman (But My Husband Can't Know About It), then you're even dumber than you sound over the phone and I'm going to have to trade the Nerf Cluestick in on a 2x4 Cluestick for the next round of Why I Wouldn't Help You Even If It Was In My Job Description, Which It's Most Decidedly Not.

Have a nice day.

No love,
The Very Unhelpful Woman At The GLBT Counseling Organization

discipline

I've got about half a blog post drafted on discipline but it isn't ready yet. What I do want to mention straightaways is that while drafting my post on discipline these past two weeks, I totally plunged into no-holds-barred excess and associated self-abuse by way of the consumption of a variety of evils, a la various forbidden meats, sugar by the pound, dairy by the barrel, bread and chocolate...I did not do well at all last week.

The consequences are, as I knew they would be, bad bad eczema, severe anxiety and moderate weight gain. And regret. Oh, the regret that's associated with the failure to take good care of oneself.

I MUST develop discipline!!! It really is a real goal of mine, MY NEXT BIG PROJECT:

Discipline is a goal of MINE. I have recognized the need for discipline in my life off and on for about ten years now, at LEAST.

I need to learn how to force myself to do a few things, in order to achieve what I want in life. This is not learning how to make life difficult or not-enjoyable, it's learning how to make a difficult decision, commit to a difficult path and SUCCEED with the use of discipline.

When I've succeeded through the use of discipline, I know I will feel RIGHT. I'll feel good, because I will feel able to do so much more. I feel trapped right now. Whenever I've succeeded, I will feel more free than ever.

When I think about what I'll be able to with my sense of discipline, I have a definite feeling of motivation. I feel like I can take on anything.

I can see myself there.

discipline - actual post

Right now, I'm working on developing discipline. I've visited this before, but the thing has often fallen by the wayside, as is what happens with me and some or most difficult things to do. If you know what I mean.

I've been going for some therapy sessions this past month or two and we've talked a lot about the anxiety. The shrink figures the root problem with my panic is the debt I am saddled with combined with other, more worthy stressful things. And, well, duh. But not duh. Because we seem to forget about "minor" painful things when we live with them for years and years. Like a chronic and persistent headache - I hear some folks don't go a day in their adult lives without some form of headache. They say some days are worse than others, some days they don't even notice they have a headache until the remember to feel around in their head for the old familiar pain. High pain thresholds or whatever that is.

I think that's what's happening to me with my debt - I'm forgetting often how hard it is to work for a big bitch in a shit-job for which I'm overqualified just to pay a third of my cheque to a debt that was not worth a hill of beans because I was too young to graduate and become an underpaid prison warden for a bunch of children and work with a bunch of ugh, teachers.

I'm forgetting to credit myself with the fact I've pulled myself out of a giant pit of despair and addiction in only five short years.

I'm forgetting how to work towards changing my circumstances.

Or maybe that's not it. That's a bit drastic.

I'm struggling to focus on the next worthwhile bit of self-development and associated change in circumstances. I've known for a while that I need to develop more discipline.

To be fair. I actually have developed some discipline - I quit smoking for the final time almost sixteen months ago and I've been solidly committed to the process of remaining smokefree. I continue to develop discipline in that regard.

In the past six months, I've regained control of my appetite, which I haven't had a hold on since my blessed recovery from food allergies and unfortunate marriage in 2006.

And blah blah blah, there, good, I've given myself some credit.

But now, let's get down to brass tacks. As far as discipline goes, the above, well, it's more about taking responsibility for myself through the use of discipline.

What I am going for now is less about learning abstinence and self-care than to embody this magical phrase:

I AM SUPER-MOTIVATED AND UNUSUALLY WELL-EQUIPPED

I want the above to be a major cause of my success. This is about that whole "1% inspiration 99% sweat" thing.

acknowledge the importance of motivation
1. in hard times, it will serve me well
2. I can distract myself with my vision when life gets in the way
pursue intrinsic motivation
1. get my emotions involved in what I do
2. practice optimism
3. develop personal enjoyment in worthy pursuits
4. pursue the sense of educational achievement that comes from doing a particular thing
exercise extrinsic motivation
1. get my emotions involved in what I do
2. use pain and pleasure: associate doing with pleasure, and not doing with pain and regret
3. think about the impact of taking action versus not taking action
4. remember to practice forgiveness and compassion, as this is a risky business
5. actively move towards the motivation and gain pleasure from it
6. focus on the activity and avoid pain and fear
7. use a combination of rewards, pleasure, pain and fear to create motivation
use rewards
1. my mind and body will respond more readily if there is a tangible, immediate reward on the path to achievement
2. I can condition myself to develop desirable behaviours if I use rewards on the path
3. schedule the rewards so that the action is immediately rewarded; the action is associated with the pleasure of being rewarded
4. choose a variety of rewards: try to focus on rewards relating to personal growth and spiritual fulfillment, the reward of free time, luxuries that exist in the home, healthy foods and behaviours
try NLP (neuro-linguistic programming)
create a conducive environment
1. make the environment work-friendly
2. add variety as needed: do not be afraid to get out of the house with a notebook, take my book to the laundromat, study at the library, write my paper at the coffeehouse
use motivational music
1. set up the Ipod playlists
2. while listening intently, visualize myself being motivated, taking action, and reaping the rewards from my action
combine motivation with goal setting to maximize results
1. with goal setting, I have a more complete perspective of what can be achieved through my plans and actions in the long term
2. what do I want to achieve
3. why I want to achieve it
4. when do I want to achieve it
5. how can it be achieved
create a goal setting journal
1. state the goals in clear terms
2. state the plan
3. state the benefits
4. set a schedule of action items, deadlines and milestones
5. review the goal setting journal whenever I feel a lack of motivation
6. keep track of progress and identify roadblocks more easily
get curious and interested
1. become obsessed with motivation
2. become obsessed with discipline
3. become unusually well-equipped